lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
