Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
