so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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