I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache