I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.