If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal