A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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