***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
