I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
