went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
