Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
