i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
