Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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