I seem to have left my pride at pride
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
