I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
