I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
