I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
