At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
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My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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