I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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