Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
