Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
