someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
