The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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