How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
