Tell her she can't have a vagina
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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