so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
