My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
