She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
