I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
