Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You can't special order awesome
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
