We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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