apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
