Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My life is pants optional.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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