how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
