I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
