Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My liver just had a heart attack.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
