why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
