this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
