I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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