Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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