I will die if light touches me.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
