drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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