Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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