one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
