im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
