none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
