1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
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Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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