Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
