When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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