she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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