why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He passed out mid-signature
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
