I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
